A Glimpse Beyond Desire & Fear

Buddhism Outtakes AKA How to stop chasing your own tail.

I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. My focus on past errors and future problems. A cold shower and black coffee remind me I’m alive. The board of directors in my head advises me that work is the “essential” part of my life and identity. Desire for better, births dissatisfaction with the present, fuelling fear based action. The flow of thoughts begins “Alright, bust out the keyboard- write your thoughts down. Transform those lofty dreams into screenplays, commercial pitches, team meetings, rinse and repeat. 

In the past I’ve adopted the stance that my life, the life of a filmmaker- Is busy, chaotic, and stressful. - An illusion I’ve duped myself into believing.   

Where do we turn to rebalance our state of being, so we may create out of joy, instead of running from our fears? Retreat to the Himalayas? Fly to the Amazon jungle? Abscond to an ayahuasca retreat? Prayer? Perhaps.

If you, like me, are intent on staying in the confines of day to day life a while longer, here's the ancient framework that helps me realign myself when I am feeling particularly lost. 

First, let’s define the problem- from Buddha’s perspective not mine. 

Welcome to the cycle of desire and fear, it goes something like this:

Notice from the moment of desire, fear’s in the driver's seat.

• Build desire: focus on the end outcome by fantasising about how much better my life will be with “the thing” (insert- money, status, sexual fantasy here). 

• Start planning: how will I acquire the given desire? (fear of not obtaining desire builds as well)

• Start working towards desire. 

• Acquire desire, feel a moment of pleasure OR Give up on desire, feel relieved or ashamed / guilty.

The desire and fear cycle gets scorched into our pattern of thinking. Human nature is to keep taking action, assuming the reason why what we’re doing isn’t working has more to do with how hard we are trying rather than the approach we are taking. In our ignorance we double down on a dubious approach to life.¹

Again and again I look for something outside myself to create fulfilment, let the tail chasing begin. I run in circles, the moment I grab a hold of that which I was chasing I break free of the illusion and yelp- I’ve bit my very own tail. 

Illustration by @rue.greywal

Here’s an alternative cycle of awareness and curiosity that leaves me feeling as though the work I do nourishes my well being. A cycle best embodied by the essence of this quote.

“I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.” - Rabindranath Tagore

Notice from the moment of desire, awareness and curiosity are in the driver's seat.

• Build desire: focus on the end outcome by fantasising about how much better my life will be with “the thing” (insert money, status, sexual fantasy here). 

• Recognize: the feeling of fulfilment I am searching for will not be granted by the fulfilment of a given desire.

• Be of service: Find where your desire merges with a need the world has, play to fulfil that need, feel the gift of pleasure in each step taken, because each step is now an end in and of itself.

• Desire is fulfilled or not fulfilled, I have grown, learned, and had a joyful existence either way. 

I have been forgetful, lost, and arrogant thinking my knowledge of the cycles above would save me. The truth is, nothing but cultivating the awareness to redirect your attention can save you.

I swing back and forth between being chained in the cycle of desire and fear and the cycle of flow and peace. I get very attached to certain outcomes. Before I know it I’m chasing my tail, in for a round of suffering, misery, and pain. I write this article as an invitation to myself to gaze into the cycle of awareness and curiosity. Recognizing any fulfilled desire will not give me the satisfaction I’m looking for. So why get all bent out of shape chasing it? 

Remember the character development that crystallizes in your consciousness as you embark toward your destination is the true prize, each step a reward. 

Simply put, in terms of external achievement: money can be lost, the skill of generating money (aka being of service to others) can never be lost- this is what crystallizes in your consciousness. Forget the end product, fall in love with the process, it’s all you retain at the end of the day.

Special Thanks to Rue Grewal for the pup illustration and Mark Gallardo for the edits.

1. https://hbr.org/2015/11/why-organizations-dont-learn